Nancy Knowitall is the President of Broken Dreams Condo, a 10 story 120 unit condominium here in South Florida. Nancy decides that because it’s Labor Day, she is going to prove to the owners just how dedicated her and her board are, by holding a Board meeting to discuss the state of the condominium and all the necessary repairs that are coming.
Nancy started by discussing firesafety. Barbara Brainless interrupts and says she understands that by January 1st, 2024, there needs to be sprinklers everywhere, including everyone’s shower and car. Barbara explains that she’s wrong but by January 1st, 2024 the building must have fire sprinklers or an Engineered Life Safety System or ELSS When Nancy was unable to give a good explanation as to what at ELSS was, Barbara accused her of Russian collusion and demanded a full investigation by the fining committee.
Harry Helpmeout was the next Board member to speak. He told the owners that under the new laws, the building was about to undergo an inspection by either an architect or engineer by December 31st, 2024. David Dontrustyou stood up and said he heard about these new inspection laws, it sounds like another Mara Lago search to him, the architects or engineers really work for the FBI and vowed to barricade his door and never let anyone into his home without a warrant. Harry reminded him that David was wrong and that Phase One of the inspection will simply be visual while phase Two of the inspection may require destructive testing and that when all is said and done, the condominium will likely bet hit with potentially millions of dollars in mandatory repairs. Chita Cheapskate went crazy and vowed not to contribute one dollar and that if the Board simply covered up the massive cracks in the building with beautiful flowers, the problem is solved. Harry took his seat in disbelief.
Next Board member to speak was Wendy Wannaquit. She is the association’s Treasurer. She reminded everyone that the condominium must also have a structural integrity reserve study which requires the condo to hire an architect or engineer to perform a reserve study of the structural, electrical, roofing, foundation, walls and other elements of the condominium by December 31st, 2024 and that starting January 1st, 2025 the owners must fully fund the reserve account each year, for all of these items and more. Ira Inquisitor tried to do his best to calm the crowd who by now was in an uproar about all the new expenses. He told everyone to calm down and relax. He said that we will simply have to use all of the current monies that are in reserve to help pay all of these massive upcoming expenses. Ira calmly asked Wendy how much the building has in reserves and Wendy calmly answered “eleven dollars.”
The crowd went ballistic demanding to know where all their money went. Cries of “thief” “criminal” and other assorted four letter words were hurled at the Board members. Board member Karen Killmealready screamed back at the crowd that it was their fault that they’re broke because for the last 30 years the owners voted to waive reserves each year. Don Dontbelieveit yelled back “No excuse, give us back our money you stole.”Don immediately gave up and sat down.
The final Board member Fred Fireme reminded the crowd that starting in 2025 the reserve study not only has to be done by an architect or engineer, but the unit owners won’t be able to waive the reserves like they have done for the past 30 years. Frida Freakout went crazy. Frida is 85 years old and vowed never to pay for any items that may need fixing in the future because she doesn’t have much of a future. Fred explained to Frida that it doesn’t matter how old she is, she still has to pay. Frida then challenged Fred to a fist fight in the parking lot. Fred refused the challenge and sat down.
Suddenly Nancy asked that the Board place an emergency item on the agenda. The Board members agreed. Nancy then made a motion to never hold a Board meeting on Labor Day again. Fred seconded the motion. The vote was unanimous.
