It’s Labor Day and condo President Esa Nomyjob, has the day off from work. She gets to stay home from work and simply enjoy all the wonderful amenities her condo has to offer. It’s well deserved.
The day starts off though with a call from Willie Winer, that the upstairs neighbor has apparently let the bathtub overflow again, causing his ceiling to fall down again, and forcing Esa to get in touch with a plumbing company for an emergency repair. So much for a relaxing morning, but there’s still plenty of time to enjoy the day.
Esa grabs a towel and heads for the pool. Even though it’s a no-pet community, there’s a gigantic pit bull dog that unit owner Alla Boutme, claims is her new fluffy emotional support animal. Alla never filled out any forms requesting the dog of course. Despite the fact that the county doesn’t even allow pit bulls, Esa heard about the new court case that allows pit bulls to be considered fluffy emotional support animals. Rather than risk being mauled, Esa starts to head back upstairs. Bad move.
Ima Blowhard, unit owner, sees Esa and immediately starts screaming about the price of the laundry machines going up another 25 cents. Of course, in front of everyone else he accuses Esa of stealing the quarters from the machines. After all, how did she get that fancy new car. Esa denies going to the Cadillac dealership with rolls of quarters.
Esa is starting to think she was better off working today than having the day off. As a last ditch effort to relax, she grabs her Kindle and heads off to her balcony to simply read and listen to the sounds of nature and enjoy her picturesque view. That’s when next door neighbor Harda Hearing decides to do the same thing. Except, Harda likes hard rock music and brings her I-Pad and speakers out on her balcony, making the building shake. Esa has to politely remind Harda about the nuisance provisions in the governing documents. Harda starts screaming about the condo not being a prison.
Poor Esa. Her last mistake was grabbing her mail. There it was, an angry letter from yet another unit owner, Charlie Cheapskate, complaining about all the money the Board spent fixing the elevator. Charlie threatens to sue Esa personally because he lives on the first floor and doesn’t ride the stinking elevator.
Esa lays down in her bed looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow.
(Dedicated to all those Board members who work so hard throughout the year. Don’t stay home today – get as far away from the condo or HOA as possible)
Last year on Labor Day, Condo President Leava Mealoni had the day off from her real job, working at the local day care center, changing diapers and otherwise helping to care for two year old kids. It was well deserved.
Leava would often come home with migraine headaches and smelling from all things that two year olds excrete. The hours were long and the pay was crappy too. It was time to relax.
Leava invited a few friends over for a swim and some lunch. While leaving her unit, she ran into her neighbor, Constance Complainer who thought that now was the best time to talk about how dirty the carpets look and how the janitorial staff isn’t doing their job. She recommended that the condo switch to her son in law’s company. Leava tried to be polite and gave Constance about 15 minutes of her time. She got into the elevator, only to have it stop on the third floor. In walks Alfred Annoying smoking one of his giant cigars and stinking up the place like nobody’s business. Leava politely tells Alfred that smoking was not allowed in the common areas, including the elevator. Alred unpolitely tells Leava what she can do with her rule and they both get out at the lobby.
Finally heading for the pool door, Leava passes the mailboxes and sees unit owner Don Delinquent standing at his mailbox holding a letter and cursing up a storm. She hopes that she can quickly sneak past Don, but Don is too quick. He sees Leava and starts waiving an envelope in her face and screams something about how he pays all his bills and the association’s attorney and the Board are all thieves. Leava assures Don that he won’t be evicted within 48 hours and that she’ll see if there’s a mistake by the manager. Don says he’s going to the police anyway.
Running late, Leava makes her way down to the pool, only to find that Pamela Partridge and her family, and their friends and relatives, have commandeered the pool and all of the chairs. Furious, she confronts Pamela about the rule that only allows owners to have two guests at the pool and Patricia, like Alfred, tells her what she can do about her pool rule.
With nowhere to sit, Leava heads back upstairs to make lunch for her friends. Front gate Security Officer Ima Sleepin finally calls to let her know her friends are here, but they can’t come in with their car because the pool guests took up all of the guest spots. Furious, Leava tells Ima to tell her friends to park in the shopping center down the block and walk back. She can’t believe that the Condo President doesn’t have enough pull to get her own guests a lousy parking spot.
Lunch goes great. Fantastic food, great wine and loud music. From Leava’s next door neighbor’s home that is. Mr. Jarda Hearin had the day off too, and being an opera buff, he cranked up the record player (yes, record player — he’s old) and the Italian verses were heard throughout the building. When Leava banged on his door to lower the music and reminded Mr. Hearin about the rule against playing loud music, it was as if Mr. Hearing was told what to say by Patricia and Alfred a few hours before.
When it was time for her friends to go home, Leava walked them downstairs. While passing the parking lot, Ida Shootya is pulling in with her 1978 Oldsmobile with 6,500 original miles. Ida goes nuts and starts screaming that she’s too old to be parking in Spot Number 12 which is 21 feet from the entrance and that Leava, being the President and a youngster, should switch spots with her and shouldn’t get spot Number 11. Leava by the way is 81.
Leava heads back upstairs, sits down on the couch and the most beautiful smile comes across her face. She remembers that she’s going to be with all those two year olds in just a few more hours.
